Time will tell
by Evalyn A
Summary: A series of log entries made by T'Pol during her time spent on Enterprise.
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: Not making a dime off of this, they belong to Paramount, they don't belong to me, although finally they're starting to act as if they did. 

Rating: T POV, G. May be archived, just let me know.

A/N: This is the first in a continuing series of personal log entries made by T'Pol during her time on Enterprise, starting with season one.

Part 1 of "Time will tell"; by Evalyn A

I arrived aboard Enterprise yesterday morning, one day before departure. It has been a trying two days, with hardly sufficient time to adjust to my changed circumstances. 

Captain Archer has made no effort to disguise his hostility towards me, and my role as Vulcan liaison aboard this ship. To be fair to him, my role is in fact both that of a minder and of a self-admitted spy, to second guess and report back to the Vulcan High Command every questionable decision made by the Captain of Earth's fledgling warp 5 starship. He can hardly be pleased with my presence. Nevertheless, he has at least won the battle, as he is here with me aboard, returning the Klingon to his homeworld, rather than having the _Talseya_ perform the task as originally proposed. 

The remainder of the crew has reacted to me with a spectrum of responses, ranging between grudging acceptance (Ensign Sato, who is at least pleased that she will have an opportunity to both practice her Vulcan and learn Denobulan during this initial mission) and obvious aggravation (Commander Tucker, who insisted on greeting me with a handshake when he undoubtedly knew that this was decidedly impolite behaviour). While I do not find it necessary to "fit in" in order to accomplish my task for the few weeks I will be assigned here, the job will certainly be made more difficult by the crew's reaction to me.

I did not expect to be assigned to Earth. And I did not at first feel that my time spent on Earth would have suggested any aptitude for dealing with humans, quite the reverse in fact. When I heard the decision of the Vulcan High Command to assign me to Enterprise, I initially felt a suspicion that perhaps I had, in fact, failed so badly in my time spent as attaché at the Vulcan Embassy, that I had been sent to Enterprise as a form of punishment. 

I realized after short reflection, however, that this suspicion was illogical, and that this posting to Enterprise is in fact an important, if somewhat menial, task. I now believe that the aptitude that resulted in my assignment here was demonstrated during the considerable time I spent minding Ambassador Soval's two rather energetic younger sons when they visited Earth for three months with their mother. 

I had an inexplicable ability to keep the children from wreaking serious havoc while they were with me (unlike their parents, who despite successfully raising four considerably older children seemed to find the last two quite incomprehensible). Admittedly they were somewhat more lively than the average Vulcan child, and less willing to listen to their tutors for the long hours usually deemed desirable for children of their age. However, when they were in my care, I was able to successfully divert them with a combination of activities including hiking, museum trips and visits to historic sites such as the location of first contact (both locations, in fact, although I did not explain to them the true reason for the visit to Carbon Creek). I also spent considerable time teaching them of the origins of modern human society, through trips to various locations in Europe and Asia. 

I believe it was the knowledge of human society that I myself gleaned during this period, combined with my unexpected child minding ability and my proven abilities in espionage, that made Soval consider me the perfect choice for this posting. There have been few times that I regret so thoroughly my assiduousness in having carried out my superior's wishes …

It has been some weeks since my initial log entry. I have found meditation both necessary and effective in dealing with the stresses that arise daily from my interactions with the crew and Captain of this ship, and until today I have not found any additional benefit in recording my thoughts in an unofficial capacity. However after recent events, I have found myself unable to achieve a satisfactory sense of resolution based simply on my usual meditation. 

Captain Archer in all likelihood saved my life yesterday, at considerable risk to his own. And I was left the ranking officer on a human starship. My decision to take command was not without logic; although my command experience is limited at best, my abilities and knowledge undoubtedly exceed many-fold those of Commander Tucker.

What is harder to justify is why, with Klaang gone and our Suliban contact on Rigel _X_ dead, I did not immediately turn Enterprise back towards Earth. Vulcans are certainly capable of loyalty, and gratitude; when earned, they are logical responses. It is clear that Captain Archer has earned Commander Tucker's loyalty – I felt it when the Commander touched me in the decon chamber, even more than I could sense it in his arguments. Later, I once again found his arguments based on loyalty to the Captain's wishes oddly compelling, where a logical analysis of the situation should have resulted in a return to Earth. I have, as a result, spent the last hours in Engineering with the Commander adjusting the Enterprise's sensors to allow them to track the Suliban ship's ion trail. 

This clearly violates the implied limits of my assignment to Enterprise. I am here to offer advice, criticism, and to observe, not to provide technology enhancements. I will have much to explain on my return …

Our mission is complete. The Klingon Klaang has been recovered and returned to Qonos. According to the Klingons, Klaang possessed evidence that the Suliban are participating in a "Temporal Cold War" designed to destabilize the Klingon Empire. The humans appear willing to consider the possibility that this is the truth. The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined, however, that time travel is impossible. Thus the actual relevance of this mission seems, to me, dubious, given that Klaang's information was clearly false. However, I must admit that it is noteworthy that against all odds, Enterprise has in fact successfully completed her mission and perhaps garnered a measure of respect for Earth from the Klingon Empire – no mean feat. 

Is that why I have agreed to Captain Archer's request to have me remain on board Enterprise as science officer? In all my time in the Vulcan diplomatic service, as well as my previous years in other capacities, I have never felt so involved and challenged by the events that surround me. I do not feel on Enterprise as though my actions are dictated by my Vulcan superiors. I am at a distance from those organizations whose motivations often, in retrospect, seem suspect when observed in the context of our Vulcan teachings. Does this distance afford me a latitude I have never before felt? Should I allow myself the luxury of exercising that freedom?

My behaviour after the events of Rigel _X_ should have resulted in a reprimand, at a minimum. Perhaps it still will. However, the High Command may believe that since my lack of discipline had successfully earned me a berth on Enterprise, by request of its Captain, it was worth overlooking the obvious missteps on my part. Or perhaps they even believed that my decisions were a form of relatively harmless subterfuge designed to earn me the Captain's trust (since I have neglected to update them fully on my questionable role in upgrading the Enterprise's sensors). Regardless, no reprimand has yet made its way to me, and since my return in person to receive the expected dressing down seems unlikely for some time, forgiveness would appear to be the path of least resistance for my superiors.

I am less willing to forgive myself. My loyalty to Vulcan precepts has already been tested and found wanting. I fear I may not be able to perform my duties with the necessary objectivity for any significant duration. In the meantime, I must strive to respect the teachings of my elders, and continue to provide guidance and counsel to the humans aboard this ship. Perhaps I will return from this mission having achieved greater discipline from the challenges I face here. And perhaps I will return humbled. Time will tell …

TBC …


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: Not making a dime off of this, they belong to Paramount, they don't belong to me, although finally they're starting to act as if they did. 

Rating: T POV, G. May be archived, just let me know.

A/N: This is the part of a continuing series of personal log entries made by T'Pol during her time on Enterprise, starting with season one.

Part 2 of "Time will tell"; by Evalyn A

We have lied. 

My experience in espionage has taught me that deception is necessary at times. The Andorians are a paranoid and warlike race, and it would be illogical to assume that they are fully adhering to the conditions of the treaty. Monitoring them as closely as possible is a prudent move.

Why, then, do I feel a betrayal upon the discovery of the listening post on P'Jem? Is it simply the stark juxtaposition of the realities of interstellar conflict with the ideals of the sanctuary – meditation and purging of emotions?

Or is it the obvious disappointment and, yes, scorn, evinced by Captain Archer upon discovering the validity of Shran's accusations against us? I feel that this time, all of Vulcan has been judged by the Captain and found wanting, that my attempts to establish a trust between us have been dealt a serious blow. How much more scorn would he show if he knew of my past history and complicity in many similar activities in my years working with the Intelligence Directorate? 

A few weeks ago, Commander Tucker, his mind affected by the psychotropic pollen we encountered during our planetary exploration, accused me of being a Vulcan spy, conspiring with others to undermine humanity's first trek to the stars. I find myself returning to his words again and again. Have we been guilty of holding back the humans because of our fear they would disrupt our orderly view of the universe? Am I, in fact, exactly that which he accused me of being? The teachings of Surak tell us to embrace peace, logic, and diversity. How much of my life have I spent engaged in activities that have a questionable relationship to peace? And how much diversity are we as a people truly prepared to tolerate, when we demand that other races bow to our judgement?

Perhaps the Andorians have as much right on their side as we do on ours. It is difficult to know when the true facts are almost certainly suppressed by both sides. Perhaps we could even learn from them, if we approached them with tolerance and open-mindedness rather than a self-proclaimed superiority.

I have in front of me the teachings of Surak. I believe I would benefit from a thorough re-examination of his words and his life. And perhaps also a thorough re-examination of mine.

TBC …


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: Not making a dime off of this, they belong to Paramount, they don't belong to me, although finally they're starting to act as if they did. 

Rating: T POV, G. May be archived, just let me know.

A/N: This is part of a continuing series of personal log entries made by T'Pol during her time on Enterprise, starting with season one.

Part 3 of "Time will tell"; by Evalyn A

I had made my decision. It was not made lightly. It was reasoned, and logical. 

While returning to Vulcan to marry Koss would have fulfilled the wishes of my family, it would not have been logical. 

I was the only Vulcan to have been able to spend this much time on a human ship. And the High Command had made it clear that my presence on Enterprise was desirable, in order to keep the humans under close observation. It would be difficult, and impractical, to replace me. 

Far better for Koss's parents to find another woman whose duties did not remove her from Vulcan for such extended periods, and who would be glad to share his life. And I suspected Koss would be grateful for my decision, which would leave him free to have a more suitable mate.

These arguments were sound, and while others might argue the importance of Vulcan traditions (as I myself did with Commander Tucker), any tradition is simply that: a tradition, followed because it is beneficial, or comfortable, not because it is required. My return was not required, it was merely expected, and convenient for others. 

I found myself wondering, in fact, why it was such a difficult decision to make. I did not wish to marry Koss, although under other circumstances, I would have adhered to tradition. But it was not logical that I return to do so, and since for him, time would soon be of the essence, to terminate the arrangement now leaving him sufficient time to find another mate was the best solution.

Why, then, having made my decision to remain on Enterprise, did I feel the need to discuss my situation with Commander Tucker, leading him to believe that I had not already decided? 

Vulcans claim that they do not feel fear. It is certainly true that we do not fear the conventional types of things that other species might – multi-legged creatures, heights, death. Why would we, when the thing we have to fear the most lives within us? What can compare to the fear that each one of us could act as a catalyst, through an unguarded expression of that true inner nature that we struggle every day to control, for the loss of all that we hold dear – our family honour, our logic, our society?

My decision to remain on Enterprise was logical. Yet I feared that despite this, I had other reasons also. Reasons that could strike at the very heart of who I believed myself to be. I needed to hear Mr. Tucker's arguments, rational or irrational, in order to weigh them against my own. And when he told me that I was free to choose, I felt my heart respond, not my head. At that moment, I felt fear, and I changed my mind – I would return to Vulcan, for no other course of action was possible.

But by the time he challenged me on the bridge, I had once again composed myself. I have withstood, and found inner strength, through enduring the ritual of the Kolinahr. Perhaps my time spent with humans will further me on that journey. Or perhaps I will find myself on another journey altogether. 

But Mr. Tucker was right; it was my decision. And may Surak guide me on the path I have chosen. 

TBC …


	4. Part 4

Disclaimer: Not making a dime off of this, they belong to Paramount, they don't belong to me, although finally they're starting to act as if they did. 

Rating: T POV, G. May be archived, just let me know.

A/N: This is part of a continuing series of personal log entries made by T'Pol during her time on Enterprise, starting with season one.

Part 4 of "Time will tell"; by Evalyn A

When I heard that the monastery at P'Jem had been destroyed, my first thought was that I was to blame. I had allowed Enterprise to visit P'Jem. Had I told the Captain that it was a sacred place and not for off-worlders, he would have shown appropriate respect. Everything had followed from that poor judgement on my part. 

And surely, if I were properly performing my duty as advisor aboard Enterprise, Captain Archer would have had a different reaction to the Vulcan listening post on P'Jem, despite the obvious contravention of the Andorian accord. I could have made him understand the logic. And the sacred monastery would still be intact. 

The Vulcan High Command clearly agreed with that assessment when they recalled me to Vulcan. I very shortly realized, however, that their logic was faulty. 

I could not blame the High Command for their conclusions, in their position I would have concluded the same. But they could not truly understand Enterprise and the humans, not as I had come to understand them. Captain Archer is not a man that would have been particularly influenced by my advice in a situation such as this, if it did not agree with his fundamental values. In any case, had I protested too loudly at his actions, he would simply have become suspicious of my motives, disinclined as he is to trust any Vulcan – even me. 

And it is also true that the monastery would still be intact if the High Command had not authorized a perversion of its original intent, by permitting it to be used to mask illicit activities. I will have some time on my return voyage to Vulcan on the _Ni'Var_ to reflect upon these thoughts.

In the meantime, Captain Archer has suggested that I accompany him on one last away mission to Coridan. I suspect that he wishes to have an opportunity to talk to me away from the crew, although his exact reasons elude me. Perhaps he believes I have more influence with the High Command than I do, that I go willingly but could be persuaded to change my mind. He could not be more wrong, if so. 

At any rate, I will appreciate this last time spent with the Captain. I have grown to respect his approach to first contact situations, different as it is from the Vulcan way. The Vulcan relationship with Coridan is somewhat strained, under the circumstances, and I will be interested to see how the Captain deals with the planetary officials. First contacts with Captain Archer are rarely boring.

---

I make this log entry from my bed in sickbay, to which I have been confined for the past thirty-six hours. I have just reviewed my last entry, which was unquestionably prophetic. The visit to Coridan was not boring.

I do not complain that I am here in sickbay, for if I were not here, I would be aboard the _Ni'Var_ returning to Vulcan. And I have been given plenty of opportunity while lying here to reflect upon the events of the last few days. Dr. Phlox has forbidden me from attempting to perform my duties and has insisted on complete rest and recreational activities only.  

My contemplations have been regularly interrupted by visits by various crewmembers. I have just received a visit from Commander Tucker. He sat on the end of my bed, and proclaimed, with a small smirk, "I'll bet you're disappointed that you're not headin' back to Vulcan right now." I found myself compelled to reply, "As you no doubt are also." He raised his eyebrows, poked at my feet in what I can only describe as an overly familiar manner, and concluded, "Better luck next time!" before strolling out. I am continually perplexed by humans as individuals, despite my increased level of understanding of them as a species.

I find myself mulling over the political implications of these events. In my opinion. the Vulcan High Command has abused its authority on Coridan, taking advantage of the maternalistic role we have played in Coridan's reach for the stars. We should long ago have withdrawn our assistance from the government and left the Coridan people to sort out their own governance. The reason why we did not is obvious – dilithium. It would be illogical to leave the government of a planet that provides such a rich source of energy to the quadrant to chance. Far better to have a suitable government, supported by the High Command and the weight of the Vulcan Fleet, running the planet to our specifications. Vulcans can be no less self-serving than any other species, apparently.

I do not understand why Captain Archer went to such lengths to convince Sopek to speak on my behalf to the High Command, to convince them to leave me here. I cannot imagine Captain Archer taking seriously any advice I might give him on how to manage interspecies relations at this point. Since I see little value in my role here as an advisor on behalf of the current Vulcan powers, I will instead attempt to focus on providing advice gleaned from my own experience, in the hopes that I can remain true to Surak's ideals, while learning as much as I can about the human species. We have much to learn from each other.

TBC …


	5. Part 5

Disclaimer: Not making a dime off of this, they belong to Paramount, they don't belong to me, although finally they're starting to act as if they did. 

Rating: T POV, G. May be archived, just let me know.

A/N: This is part of a continuing series of personal log entries made by T'Pol during her time on Enterprise, starting with season one.

Part 5 of "Time will tell"; by Evalyn A

My thoughts are fractured. I find concentration difficult. Sleep eludes me, for although I have meditated, and purged my emotions, the irrational belief persists that it will once again bring dreams. Perhaps if I speak the words aloud, I will find an extra meaning that has escaped me in meditation.

How do other species bear the dreaming? The disorder, the meaningless series of improbable events, the desires that do not reflect reality. What purpose can they serve other than to bring panic and chaos into the mind of the dreamer? 

I am told that the process of dreaming actually orders the memories of humans, permits them to file and store information appropriately during the period of sleep so that the next day, trivial events are largely forgotten while important events have been filed into their proper locations for later retrieval. 

Vulcans achieve this same process through an ordered, reasoned reworking of life's events, that is achieved during the meditative state -- where distractions such as emotion are smoothed away and all is seen through a serene and distant eye. How could dreams begin to achieve the same effect? Did we once rely on this same apparently random, subconscious process?

Does that reliance on dreams to achieve what we have since learned to do ourselves through meditation explain the behaviour of the man who has violated my mind and invaded my dreams?

Meditation has at least achieved forgiveness for him. But if the role of meditation, or sleep for that matter, is to ensure events are placed into their proper perspective and filed away in proper compartments, then both have failed me. 

And while I may have forgiven Tolaris, time will tell whether I will be able to forgive myself.

TBC …


	6. Part 6

Disclaimer: Not making a dime off of this, they belong to Paramount, they don't belong to me, although finally they're starting to act as if they did. 

Rating: T POV, G. May be archived, just let me know.

A/N: This is part of a continuing series of personal log entries made by T'Pol during her time on Enterprise, starting with season one.

Part 6 of "Time will tell"; by Evalyn A

Time travel is impossible.

There is little to be gained by once again going over in my mind the recent unsettling events, some of which have left me forced to spend extra hours in my quarters, in quiet recovery. Nevertheless, since I am forced to be here, it is a distracting intellectual exercise to attempt to rationalize the events of the past few days. 

Captain Archer claims to have been to the 31st century. He also claims to have been sent by Daniels to his own apartment in San Francisco, ten months ago. While he was there, he had conversations with Daniels, who himself claims to travel freely through time. If one starts with the postulate that time travel is possible, then these facts do not themselves cause me to doubt. 

But in his apartment, the Captain also had conversations that replicated those he had had there ten months ago. Where, then, was the Archer that first had those conversations? Did he simply disappear for a few hours only to reappear when our Archer returned here? Or would that timeline simply disappear entirely? Why, when the Captain apparently was removed from Enterprise in order to have this "trip to the past", would he not reappear as soon as he left, instead of being gone for hours? Why, if Captain Archer's disappearance from Enterprise caused the disappearance of Daniels' civilization in the 31st century, did Daniels not disappear also? Even assuming unknown motives and technologies, the events as related by Captain Archer do not pass any simple tests of logic.

A more rational approach is to assume that some faction that Daniels represents, possessing superior technology, kidnapped Captain Archer using a method of instantaneous transportation. They then tapped into his memories, probably using some form of psychoactive drug, in order to create the illusion of conversations in the past and the future, illusions that lacked logical consistency due to the difficulties in successfully manipulating the mind. This explanation would be consistent with the necessity of the Captain's prolonged absence from Enterprise, the unusual energy readings that surrounded his disappearance and reappearance, as well as his irrational conviction that these events transpired, even though they are patently absurd. 

But this latter explanation is accompanied by an entirely unknown purpose, and although I speculate, I cannot develop one. Why dupe Captain Archer? Why would Daniels' faction, clearly possessing superior technology, be in a conflict with the Suliban, whose technology appears only slightly superior to ours? 

It is, in fact, an interesting paradox that the only scientifically consistent explanation for these events is accompanied by no logical purpose, whereas if one were to accept the entirely irrational premise of time travel and the events that went with it, then the explanation for the remaining events – a temporal cold war in which warring factions from the future try to ensure an appropriate outcome for their side – does appear to follow more or less logically, even if the events themselves appear to make no sense.

Perhaps there is a third explanation that I have missed. Perhaps Mr. Daniels or the Suliban will eventually tell us the truth and we will finally understand. Or, to quote one of Mr. Tucker's more colourful expressions, "Perhaps pigs will fly." In any event, it is apparent that I will need to remain the voice of reason in our dealings with these groups, given what has transpired. 

And who knows. Perhaps I will yet find that the Vulcan Science Directorate is in error. If so, I do _not_ plan to be the one to tell them.

TBC …


	7. Part 7

Disclaimer: Not making a dime off of this, they belong to Paramount, they don't belong to me, although finally they're starting to act as if they did. 

Rating: T POV, G. May be archived, just let me know.

A/N: This is part of a continuing series of personal log entries made by T'Pol during her time on Enterprise, starting with season one.

Part 7 of "Time will tell"; by Evalyn A

Today is the first year anniversary of my posting to Enterprise. This will make more than three years that I have spent amongst humans, an extensive period by any Vulcan's standards. Why do I have such an interest in the human species? Most Vulcans would have either left at the earliest opportunity, or suffered in isolation, attempting to avoid all contact wherever possible. But like T'Mir, ethnology and sociological studies would appear to be in my blood as much as is science.

I often find that interaction with humans strains my equanimity. They are aggravating, self-destructive, ethnocentric, and interfering. And perhaps that is the real reason I stay – I am as close to humans as to my own species, recognizing the similarities between our peoples, so much stronger in reality than the differences. 

Vulcans see humans as young adults, straining against the tutelage of their elders, needing to explore and make their own errors. We are the older generation, having seen all of the errors they can make and wishing to spare them the agonies they will surely endure. And yet humans must see for themselves, so we Vulcans must satisfy ourselves with being there when they stop to question, to ask for advice, and occasionally, to share the lessons of their growth with us. 

Of course, my opinion of the value of Vulcans as elder advisors to the humans has changed as I have recognized the hypocrisy of the High Command over the last year. Nevertheless, I believe we can help each other as fellow travellers, perhaps even friends, with a different viewpoint but on much the same journey. 

Perhaps that would also explain why I revealed the story of my second foremother, a story that had been classified for years. The stories of T'Mir and Mestral in their time on Earth show the connection that can exist between our peoples on that journey, when we take the time to truly know one another. 

And this evening I felt that same connection with the two men with whom I shared that story, a connection that had been growing for some time without my truly being aware of it – different with each of them, in a way I am unable to exactly define, and yet so clearly there. They themselves are so very different, and yet they have both begun to accept me as more, I think, than the unwanted Vulcan advisor foisted upon them by the High Command and Starfleet. 

With them I have friendship, companionship, shared duty, loyalty; these are "feelings" that every Vulcan would be improved by experiencing, whether with a member of their own species or, more rarely, another. 

I can only hope that I, too, will come away from this voyage with something that will symbolize as much for me, as this purse did for my second foremother. And perhaps, in a way, I already have.

TBC …


	8. Part 8

Disclaimer: Not making a dime off of this, they belong to Paramount, they don't belong to me, although finally they're starting to act as if they did.

Rating: T POV, G. May be archived, just let me know.

A/N: This is part of a continuing series of personal log entries made by T'Pol during her time on Enterprise.

Part 8 of "Time will tell"; by Evalyn A

I killed a man. I do not know to this day if this was a fate he had chosen by becoming a smuggler of bio-toxins, or whether he was simply a man who could no longer tolerate the lies and hypocrisy that the life of an intelligence operative eventually becomes, and who had sought the company of other fugitives to survive.

I also do not know why this action, this taking of a life, affected me to the degree that it did, for surely it was not logical to blame myself for following the orders of my superiors.

As an operative, I was rarely privy to the sum total of the information that would allow me to make an intelligent judgement as to the nature and extent of the guilt of those I pursued. I would be presented with a file that detailed the crimes and circumstances, and left to take the necessary steps to limit the damage.

Had I questioned the veracity of every detail in those files, I should never have completed a single mission, even less succeeded in making the thirty-two apprehensions I had performed over the course of the five years I spent as an operative.

But this was the first time I had seen, in apprehending the man I sought, not a criminal, but a young man barely out of adolescence that had been overcome by circumstances – a fugitive, a victim of society, and of expectations – someone, in fact, who had perhaps wanted the life of an intelligence operative as little as I and who had fled when the first opportunity presented itself. As he died, I could see in him a mirror of myself.

More than once, I had wondered what it would be like to walk away from the life that had been forced upon me by a series of events and decisions that had made my induction into Intelligence seem inevitable. But I could not walk away – it would not have been logical, and would have shamed all those that had expectations of me. So I stayed. And I yearned for escape.

Jossen's death, ironically, had provided me with that escape. When I broke, I became a liability that they were only too glad to ship off for the memory purging ritual of Fullara. It was a ritual that removed all memory of the pain, and fear, and death, that removed from my memories the haunting images of a young man, lying on the jungle floor, bleeding and broken – a young man who time and again in my mind transformed into a young woman, screaming in a Vulcan monastery, all alone.

None of my family came to see me during the time spent in the ritual. Nor any of those I might have called my friends before my induction into Intelligence. Not even my long-time mentor Soval. Perhaps they wished to grant me my privacy and my dignity. I completed the ritual as alone as I had started it, but at least with the agony, and the memories, removed.

So when I asked Captain Archer to accompany me on the mission to retrieve Menos, I truly did not know why. I simply knew I needed to be accompanied by someone I could trust – that I could not be alone with no one to help me bear the burden. Why this mission seemed such a burden was unclear to me. I was operating on instinct – a very un-Vulcan thing to do, but something Intelligence operatives did more often than they would admit. As it turned out, of course, it was not instinct, but buried memories, and requesting Archer's presence was entirely rational. Had he not been there when the memories returned, and the agonies with them, I should surely have broken again. His presence permitted me to find my inner strength, and to apprehend Menos to stand trial for his crimes. And crimes they were, weapons smuggling of a most reprehensible nature. So, in the end, it was all for the best.

I am left with unanswered questions, however. Why had Jossen fled, from Vulcan, and from Intelligence? Had he found his life on Vulcan sterile and unfulfilling? Had he been revolted by the actions requested of him by his superiors in Intelligence? Or had he simply been drawn by a life of high risk and even higher reward?

And why had Menos made the choices he had?

And, most of all, why had Soval assigned me to retrieve Menos, knowing as he did all that had passed before? Had he assumed that the effects of the Fullara would prevail, and that I would carry out my duties efficiently and without recollection? Or had he suspected that I would either break again, as I had before, or be forged in the fire of my self-doubt, transformed into something stronger? I would that he would answer such questions if asked. But I know that he would simply reply with some cryptic words of Surak, or castigate me for asking for more information than I was entitled to, depending on the way his day had gone.

Still, despite the nightmares I suspect I will endure until my meditations can dispel them, I will thank my mentor Soval for the task to which he assigned me. For whatever his reasons, the outcome has been a catharsis of sorts, and has, in addition, strengthened the bonds of friendship that I have formed with Captain Archer – perhaps not what Soval would have wished, of course.

I can hope that some of the answers I seek will be shown to me. In truth, I have spent little enough time in my life trying to understand myself, and the decisions that have led me to this point – not, I know now, from a lack of introspection, but for fear of what I should find. I have resolved that each night I will ask myself the questions I have been reluctant to formulate, until my nightmares have once again departed and I have found some peace in the choices I have made. For in the end, they have led me here, and considering all the places they could have led me, for that I find myself truly grateful.


	9. Part 9

Disclaimer: Not making a dime off of this, they belong to Paramount, they don't belong to me, although finally they're starting to act as if they did.

Rating: T POV, G. May be archived, just let me know.

A/N: This is part of a continuing series of personal log entries made by T'Pol during her time on Enterprise. A return after a bit of a hiatus caused by an overload of T/T goodness.

Part 9 of "Time will tell"; by Evalyn A

The past few days have been – peculiar, to say the least. It seems necessary to me to try to synthesize all of my observations about the crew that resulted from our encounter with the radiation from the trinary system, the radiation that caused them to exhibit such irrational behaviour – even by human standards.

It is clear that Captain Archer places great importance upon his father's life's work. The assiduousness with which he addressed the composition of the preface to his father's biography, although it eventually devolved into obsession, showed an admirable filial sentiment. On Vulcan, respect for one's elders is much more a part of the fabric of society than it appears to be on Earth. Captain Archer would probably not be pleased to know that I have judged him favourably by Vulcan social norms; I suspect in fact he would rather find his behaviour horrifying to me, as a matter of principle. It might be better if I did not inform him of my current opinions.

Dr. Phlox's behaviour, other than posing a great risk to Ensign Mayweather's health as he attempted to relieve the Ensign of most of his higher brain function, seemed entirely consistent with expectations, only more so. It reflected his conscientiousness with respect to understanding and treating every aspect of his patients' health, to leave no stone unturned in his responsibilities to maintain the crew's well-being. Again, a most admirable sentiment to any Vulcan, if carried to somewhat of an extreme in this case.

Lieutenant Reed's behaviour I found particularly interesting. In his case, the effect of the radiation was to focus his distrust of unknown circumstances into a paranoia that required a perfect, coordinated response to any and all outside threats that might disturb his environment. This response had to be named, regimented, and logically enabled at the least notice. I can also relate this reaction to behaviour I have observed in Vulcan society without a great deal of difficulty.

I begin to see a somewhat consistent trend in my observations – what is mildly psychopathic behaviour in humans, constitutes admirable behaviour in Vulcans. I do not know whether to find this disturbing or not.

I must confess, however, that one other aspect of this incident gives me pause. My first clue that something was wrong came from Commander Tucker's behaviour. Not from his attention to detail in attempting to adjust the Captain's chair to perfection; this is entirely consistent with both his perfectionist nature when it comes to ship's performance, and his natural wish to please Captain Archer, who is both his friend and his commanding officer.

Rather, it was his distinctly intemperate behaviour with me that led me to suspect something was wrong, for it had been some time since I had seen him angry with me. I found that his anger with me caused me some discomfort. This, perhaps, is not unreasonable, for lack of harmony in one's working environment naturally results in decreased efficiency, while strong emotion always causes discomfort in Vulcans. However, virtually every member of the senior staff, the Captain included, reacted in essentially the same manner to me. And despite its now well-understood cause, it is only Commander Tucker's anger that still bothers me.

Perhaps it is because I cannot yet take our recent, more amicable, working relationship for granted. I have found that I now value his professional opinion and abilities more than I would have thought possible after our initial meeting. And yet, if I am truthful with myself, it was as much the scornful look in his eyes, and the angry tone of his voice, that caused me distress, as the inexplicable change in a good working relationship.

Perhaps I also value his personal opinion of me more than I would have thought possible. Both illogical, and inadvisable, behaviour in a Vulcan.

After more than four years with humans, I estimate that it would require at least 8 hours daily in order the achieve the necessary meditative state to properly cope with the stresses caused by my interactions with them. And with Mr. Tucker involved, there are not, I am afraid, enough hours in the day.


End file.
